Digital Dying By: Justin Nobel

Record droughts in Texas have lowered the level of Lake Buchanan, revealing long-forgotten tombstones.

Hurricane Irene roared up the East Coast last August, leaving a wide and varied path of destruction: in New Jersey at least one woman drowned in her car, Virginia experienced the second largest power outage in the state's history, in Delaware a tornado tore off the roof of a house and in Rochester, Vermont a river flooded its banks and swallowed a large section of a graveyard. “A terrible and sad situation,” read one local report. “Homes are destroyed, so are roads and bridges and even a cemetery…the final resting place for Rochester residents.” Much of the nation has seen weird weather lately, putting a crimp on lives and also affecting the dead. Some cemeteries have been submerged by flood waters, in other cases a lack of water has brought old graveyards back to life.

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Weird funeral crimes are on the rise. Some of the strangest of the year include two Denver men who allegedly took their dead friend to a strip club and a New Hampshire man who stole a priest's Subaru while he was giving a funeral sermon.

Maybe it's the bad economy but weird funeral crimes are on the rise. Earlier this fall a Wisconsin cemetery worker allegedly swiped a $2,000 guitar from the casket of a 67 year-old grandfather. “It was his pride and joy,” said one family member. “This isn't something I normally do,” said the robber. “I just have a respect for fine musical instruments.”

The dead grandpa guitar thief is only the beginning, below is a list of weird funeral crimes that have occurred within the past year…

Accidentally Carjacking Grandma - In West Virginia, 23 year-old Angela Jeanette DeHart was accused of stealing a hearse from a funeral home that contained the dead body of an 85 year-old woman. The driver had left the trunk door open and the engine running when someone jumped inside. Police found the black Cadillac Fleetwood hearse parked next to DeHart's house. The corpse “had been jostled around,” said police, “possibly from reckless driving.”

Dead Friends, Burritos and Strippers - Two Denver men allegedly took their dead friend for a night on the town, visiting several bars, a burrito joint and a strip club. They also took his credit card. It went down something like this, according to a Denver police officer: “Rubinson and Young go into the restaurant and drink. Jarrett is in the back seat of the car…[They] use Jarrett's credit card to pay for the drinks they consumed.” The pair stopped at a diner before taking their dead friend back home and putting him to bed. They kept his bank card, withdraw $400 then went to a burrito restaurant and a strip club. Robert Young, 43, and Mark Rubinson, 25, were charged with identity theft, criminal impersonation and abuse of a corpse.

Other Great Reads: A Guide to Funeral Etiquette

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by Justin Nobel

When Leona Helmsley, known as the “Queen of Mean”, died in 2007 she left $12 million to her Maltese, Trouble. Fortune magazine branded it the third dumbest business moment of 2007. The dog retired to Florida and recently died.

In 2007, real estate tycoon Leona Helmsley died of heart failure, leaving explicit instructions on what to do with her $4 billion fortune: the bulk would go into a family trust and some $12 million would go to “Trouble”, her fluffy white Maltese. Like many who come into money, the dog retired to Florida. Carl Lekic, the general manager of one of Helmsley's hotels, looked after Trouble, receiving $60,000 a year for his troubles. Another $8,000 went for grooming, $1,200 for food and $100,000 went for full-time security, as Trouble had received numerous death threats. Earlier this month it was revealed that Trouble was dead. He was 12 years old. Helmsley's wishes were to have the dog buried with her and her husband in their $1.4 million mausoleum in Sleepy Hollow, New York, but these wishes were not carried out. New York state prohibits interment of pets in human cemeteries.

But the way we deal with the death of pets is changing. Although most places still prohibit pets to be buried with people, pets now receive many of the same death rites that humans do, such as funeral services and cremations. The first pet funeral home opened in Indianapolis in 2004, now there are more than 750 of them. Other companies have sprouted up to offer grief counseling to people who have lost pets. And just like in the human funeral industry, pet burial scandals have arisen. “On the human side, the biggest issue out there is always wrongful cremation,” one funeral industry consultant recently told the AP. “On the pet side, it's not wrongful cremations, but whether cremations are being done at all.” In cases in Arizona, Virginia and Tennessee pets slated to be cremated were actually dumped in landfills.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE DEATH OF A PET

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by Justin Nobel

Many of Mexico's most notorious narco-lords are buried in Sinaloa's Jardines De Humaya, a cemetery that looks more like a Mediterranean villa.

Ignacio “El Nacho” Coronel and Arturo Beltrán Leyva, known as Mexico's “Boss of Bosses”, were rival drug dealers and mortal enemies, but in death they lie side by side in the lap of luxury. Their home is Jardines De Humaya, a cemetery in the city of Culiacán, the capital and largest city in the northwestern Mexican state of Sinaloa. The city is also the capitol of the region's lucrative drug trade, but even narco-lords die, often much sooner than the rest of us, and the Jardines De Humaya serves as the eternal resting place for many of them. As one might expect, it is utterly over-the-top.

The two and three story tall stucco buildings that line the wide leafy avenues of the cemetery are in fact tombs, though they look more like condos. Many are whitewashed, others are painted cheery pastels; sky blue, sunshine yellow, ocher, with large crosses atop gilded cupolas. The place looks more like a dreamy Mediterranean villa than a graveyard. Inside the tombs it is just as lavish. There are windows, air conditioning, couches, giant portraits, ivory statues, Persian rugs, party balloons, children's toys and stereo systems. In some are models of the dead drug lord's favorite cars and guns. A few have phone lines. “The tomb of a drug pilot is actually adorned with crystal planes!” exclaims one Mexican newspaper article.

GRAVE MARKERS, MEMORIALS AND BURIAL VAULTS

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Step inside New York's most unique tour vehicle and take an intimate journey to the sites where famous New Yorker's have died and famous New York City deaths have taken place.

by Justin Nobel

A pyramid tomb in Metarie Cemetery in New Orleans. In April, Nicolas Cage announced he will be buried in a similarly shaped tomb in a New Orleans cemetery.

Nicolas Cage owns a Gulfstream jet, two Europeans castles, a haunted mansion, a collection of shrunken heads, a dinosaur skull, a line of comic books called VooDoo Child and more than 30 cars, including nine Rolls Royces, an Enzo Ferrari and a Lamborghini once owned by the Shah of Iran, but this past April he purchased what may be his most outrageous possession of all: a nine-foot tall pyramid in a New Orleans cemetery. In it, he plans to spend eternity.

Cage's pyramid is just the latest eccentricity in a city with a colorful, and often ghostly, cemetery history. Because much of the city lies at or below sea-level, early graves were dug just a few feet down rather than the standard six. Still, they often became soggy and filled with water. During big rainstorms, caskets would pop out of the ground and float away. Settlers placed large stones atop coffins to try and keep them down or bored holes in the top, but to no avail.  The solution was above-ground burial vaults. Read the rest of this entry »

by Justin Nobel

In Chris Rock's new comedy, “Death at a Funeral”, mourners continually battle each other. The flick is lighthearted, but in many funerary tiffs the blood is real. At a Bay Area funeral two years ago a man killed a close friend with a World War II collector's knife.

Men in sharp suits carry a well-lacquered coffin into a fancy suburban house. “Who is this?!” screams Chris Rock, when the lid is cracked. The body is supposed to be his father but there's been a mix-up, inside is an Asian-looking man. Thus begins “Death at a Funeral”, a slapstick movie released last week that stars Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence and Luke Wilson. It tells the story of a family funeral that turns into mayhem. The fiancé of a foxy niece accidentally takes mescaline and her jealous ex-boyfriend shows up to win her back. An invalid and irascible uncle goes off the deep end, two competitive brothers brawl beside the coffin and a suspicious dwarf in a leather jacket is demanding money and packing heat.

“Death at a Funeral” pulled in $17 million last weekend but some reviewers weren't so fond of the edgy aspects of the flick. For others the film's violence is hilarious, but in many funerary tiffs the blood is real. Read the rest of this entry »